Finding My Child in The Middle: Our Journey Into Middle Childhood.

Finding My Child in The Middle: Our Journey Into Middle Childhood.

     About a year ago, at age 7, my daughter began dreaming of an art and architectural exploration of Paris. I, myself, never having been overseas, pushed aside the idea and tried to refocus on what I felt to be the more financially attainable doll house. When a friend sent us an unbelievable deal from Norwegian Air, we made a decision to set fear and maybe reason aside, and double-clicked for it. At Christmas, Sophie and I each opened a box with a ticket and a beret symbolizing a Mommy/Daughter trip to Paris in the Spring.
       My husband was the one who actually highlighted the importance of reinforcing the Mommy/Daughter bond at this age.  As a teacher, I couldn't argue the point. This is a pivotal age in child development and preserving the bond between parent and child during this specific year is of epic importance. We've now exited Early Childhood Development and entered what professionals call Middle Childhood. It's often a missed transitional period that we don't quite know what to do with.  It's the (bum, bum, bummmm...) MIDDLE.  We've all heard the refrains about the first 5 years and the brain wave that you must catch in order to build a foundationally sound little human.  But between that tidal wave and Puberty lies the MIDDLE.  It's that spot where you can lose the blinding light of joy that accompanies birth when you've entered the journey as a parent, and are now often walking robotically guided through The Dim, like a Roomba at work, gently guided back to the path by the walls of schedules, classes and all the other "supposed to" guidelines. There is no more magical back light from birth and the light at the end of the tunnel is too far off to acknowledge. Where are we and what are we supposed to do now?

      Welcome to Middle Childhood, that "SOMEWHERE place" between 7 and 11 years, give or take a year depending on your kid. School age children naturally experience the positive and sometimes negative effects of Social Comparison, synonymous with The Middle. We often forget to take pictures because, we have already documented all the 1st things from wobbly steps to surprising words and the child is now becoming an individual outside the home as they spend more time at school and with friends, being influenced and changed by their surroundings which account for most of their time at this point.  Middle Childhood is also a time when your young influencer realizes the power of social influence that they themselves weild with as much or more power than their beloved Harry Potter.  Teaching the responsibility to the general good is learned during this time.  The self-expression and compassion they developed during Early Childhood are now bathed in a spotlight and put to the test while they navigate what being true to themselves means.  I view this as a golden time where they get to practice how to use their human powers of friendship and expression before we put the actual weapons of technology into their hands, when they operate Insta accounts and Facebook pages.

      Reclaim the power of the parent/child bond during this window by creating common experiences, which increases trust and understanding between you and your child. Exploring the unknown together sets the stage for a life game that you both want to win while you’re playing on the same team... working toward the same goals. We chose to do this by taking a trip together to a place neither of us had ever been.  I wasn't showing her something, but rather we were learning something together.  We were learning about each other and by trying to be good at the relationship with my daughter, I was inadvertently showing her how I expect her to have successful relationships with friends. We had to practice implementing both of our ideas on places we wanted to visit.  Listening to each other was a skill that developed as we planned and continued as we journeyed. Navigating the Metro, practicing awareness for sketchy people (pickpockets), and evoking a good back and forth conversation with someone were just a few things that surfaced as being great take-aways from our together time. I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever spent as much time with my daughter, where I had no excuse to remove myself.  With no work, no other children, no driving, no husband, no one to talk to on the phone as our world was asleep half way around the world and all of the sudden I was EXPOSED. I needed to answer for myself and there is nothing left to do but look at the face of your child across from you and be present.  We discovered that what cracked us up was reenacting paintings and artwork. What will you discover in the Middle? Don’t forget, your child isn’t just bonding with you. You are bonding with them as well. That is a truth I know only from navigating our trip together.  Spending a few months looking into where we wanted to go in Paris, researching the history of those places, and learning some of the language were all micro-experiences within this bigger one of traveling to the unknown together...The unknown not only being Paris, but the person I was with. I discovered that while I felt the cavernous difference between being a carefree 8 year old and a stressed out 38 year old, we were able to mind the gap and find that navigating the NEW together is more thrilling than figuring it out alone. Middle Childhood is more than a Developmental Stage, it's a meeting place. We met in The Middle.

Everyday Storytelling in Families to Empower the Child.

Everyday Storytelling in Families to Empower the Child.

       Every parent tells the story of their child's birth through their perspective and that story is our evidence of the first impression we make on the world. My  mom's story for me was that she went to the hospital for a stress test and before she left to go home, she was in labor.  It was as if I said, "Welp, as long as your here...let's do this."  Thus me and , as my mother puts it, my cooperative nature were born.  I love this story and everyone's story of their children coming into the world.  It's  no accident that we start out the way we do.  Whether we remember it directly or not, surely the story has been told.  And whether it is the story in all it's gloriously simple reality or a broadened heightened version which serves as food for entertainment...the STORY itself surely shapes us.  Perspective has long been a potter of personality.  Being told we are something or did something has a lasting affect.  As adults, we discover that while it shapes us, it doesn't need to define us.  Interesting and complex, just when we have defined ourselves, along comes a new story, a new happening, a new experience that forces us to redefine ourselves.  

     With my own child, it becomes evident to me that she takes on stories we tell her and embodies traits defined by her past self in these stories.  We tell stories of her "great joke-telling abilities" to people and guess what?  This begets more jokes and increasing confidence as she tells them and tries new ones.  "A dinosaur rides in a car" is a Sophie original of her humorous imagery jokes followed by a slew of "Knock, knock" jokes.  Realizing the power we have in storytelling and the opportunity to encourage our children through positive reinforcement makes me absolutely tingle with gratefulness.  Knowing that power exists, we must use it wisely.  Telling certain stories around our children that we find particularly entertaining might not ALWAYS be the healthiest thing for their ego or growth as an interactive and social being.   It's important to weigh whether your humorous translation of "meltdown on isle 5" to an empathetic fellow mom is worth the laugh or if you child's radar on what's being said is going to make them feel embarrassment or a possible relegation to that behavior in the future because...after all,"This is just who she is or the way she acts."

     One of my daughter's favorite shows is "Super Why" on PBS.  The formula of each show has a character that "has the power to change the story."  She pretends to have this power as she makes up her own stories on the stage of our living room floor.  What a fantastic message to relay to our kids!

     Storytelling keeps traditions alive, families close, encourages positive experiences, provides tools for guidance, and broadens our experience by getting to know others by listening to stories.  So here's to encouraging friends and family to share their stories.  Give your child a culture through the storytelling experience...a culture and background to be proud of and to fill out in a positive way.   

      My family, like many of yours, is known for telling the same stories over and again.  This is a great tool to build character and relationships.   I love hearing stories about my grandfather picking cotton or running Morse code on a Navy ship, my dad training whales or serving as a small-town city councilman, my mom standing up for people and acting out compassion on a daily basis.  These stories weren't always told directly to me ,but were always floating around me.  They most definitely shaped how I viewed these family members.  Our little ones are all ears and very impressionable, so while storytelling might seem like it ends when you close the bedtime fairytale about "Jack and the Beanstalk", think again.  Stories are interwoven into our everyday life and become the fabric which defines us and holds us together.