Finding My Child in The Middle: Our Journey Into Middle Childhood.

Finding My Child in The Middle: Our Journey Into Middle Childhood.

     About a year ago, at age 7, my daughter began dreaming of an art and architectural exploration of Paris. I, myself, never having been overseas, pushed aside the idea and tried to refocus on what I felt to be the more financially attainable doll house. When a friend sent us an unbelievable deal from Norwegian Air, we made a decision to set fear and maybe reason aside, and double-clicked for it. At Christmas, Sophie and I each opened a box with a ticket and a beret symbolizing a Mommy/Daughter trip to Paris in the Spring.
       My husband was the one who actually highlighted the importance of reinforcing the Mommy/Daughter bond at this age.  As a teacher, I couldn't argue the point. This is a pivotal age in child development and preserving the bond between parent and child during this specific year is of epic importance. We've now exited Early Childhood Development and entered what professionals call Middle Childhood. It's often a missed transitional period that we don't quite know what to do with.  It's the (bum, bum, bummmm...) MIDDLE.  We've all heard the refrains about the first 5 years and the brain wave that you must catch in order to build a foundationally sound little human.  But between that tidal wave and Puberty lies the MIDDLE.  It's that spot where you can lose the blinding light of joy that accompanies birth when you've entered the journey as a parent, and are now often walking robotically guided through The Dim, like a Roomba at work, gently guided back to the path by the walls of schedules, classes and all the other "supposed to" guidelines. There is no more magical back light from birth and the light at the end of the tunnel is too far off to acknowledge. Where are we and what are we supposed to do now?

      Welcome to Middle Childhood, that "SOMEWHERE place" between 7 and 11 years, give or take a year depending on your kid. School age children naturally experience the positive and sometimes negative effects of Social Comparison, synonymous with The Middle. We often forget to take pictures because, we have already documented all the 1st things from wobbly steps to surprising words and the child is now becoming an individual outside the home as they spend more time at school and with friends, being influenced and changed by their surroundings which account for most of their time at this point.  Middle Childhood is also a time when your young influencer realizes the power of social influence that they themselves weild with as much or more power than their beloved Harry Potter.  Teaching the responsibility to the general good is learned during this time.  The self-expression and compassion they developed during Early Childhood are now bathed in a spotlight and put to the test while they navigate what being true to themselves means.  I view this as a golden time where they get to practice how to use their human powers of friendship and expression before we put the actual weapons of technology into their hands, when they operate Insta accounts and Facebook pages.

      Reclaim the power of the parent/child bond during this window by creating common experiences, which increases trust and understanding between you and your child. Exploring the unknown together sets the stage for a life game that you both want to win while you’re playing on the same team... working toward the same goals. We chose to do this by taking a trip together to a place neither of us had ever been.  I wasn't showing her something, but rather we were learning something together.  We were learning about each other and by trying to be good at the relationship with my daughter, I was inadvertently showing her how I expect her to have successful relationships with friends. We had to practice implementing both of our ideas on places we wanted to visit.  Listening to each other was a skill that developed as we planned and continued as we journeyed. Navigating the Metro, practicing awareness for sketchy people (pickpockets), and evoking a good back and forth conversation with someone were just a few things that surfaced as being great take-aways from our together time. I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever spent as much time with my daughter, where I had no excuse to remove myself.  With no work, no other children, no driving, no husband, no one to talk to on the phone as our world was asleep half way around the world and all of the sudden I was EXPOSED. I needed to answer for myself and there is nothing left to do but look at the face of your child across from you and be present.  We discovered that what cracked us up was reenacting paintings and artwork. What will you discover in the Middle? Don’t forget, your child isn’t just bonding with you. You are bonding with them as well. That is a truth I know only from navigating our trip together.  Spending a few months looking into where we wanted to go in Paris, researching the history of those places, and learning some of the language were all micro-experiences within this bigger one of traveling to the unknown together...The unknown not only being Paris, but the person I was with. I discovered that while I felt the cavernous difference between being a carefree 8 year old and a stressed out 38 year old, we were able to mind the gap and find that navigating the NEW together is more thrilling than figuring it out alone. Middle Childhood is more than a Developmental Stage, it's a meeting place. We met in The Middle.

Confessions of a Postpartum Mommy.

    It's Broadway calling. We used to joke about this when we were starting out in NYC. The phone would ring and we would joke, with 100% wishfulness it were true, that Broadway was calling. Fast forward 10 years and here they were...calling. At the exact same time, our second child, Miles, was calling. The labor pains were hard and fast and once they started there was no slowing down. Miles was about to be born.
     In the delivery room, about an hour before birth, Eric got a call that Andrew Lloyd Webber wanted to see him for a final callback for School of Rock in NYC (which would be opening on Broadway that year) in 2 days and Mr. Webber would only be there for that day.  When it rains it pours and it was pouring...Babies and Broadway. Eric was torn about leaving me, so I booked his flight between contractions with Amex Points and resolve. In this moment, I was excited.  When I saw they were doing School of Rock on Broadway, I was convinced in the depths of me that he would play the lead. It was heading to Broadway for the first time and I just knew it was Eric's for the taking.
     The doctor came in to give the epidural and had to stick the yardstick sized needle in twice because they missed the first time. I realized that the IV was in my right hand and so every time I moved it gently tugged that vein out of the top of my hand.  It was uncomfortable but it was fine. It was fine. It was fine. Nothing major was wrong so how could I complain?
     Miles came into the world happy and healthy, kicking and screaming just like he is supposed to. Eric even got to catch him coming out like a little football and cut the cord. I sang to him and my body shook as I came down off of the drugs they had given me.  Kyle and Megan (Eric's brother and his now wife) brought Sophie to meet Miles and it couldn't have been a sweeter moment. Sophia wore her Big Sister T-Shirt and Miles "gave" her a gift.  It was just as it should be.
    In the recovery room, it was dark, and even with the lights on it seemed dim. I remember crying as I felt overwhelmed by all that was happening at the time. It was okay to feel that way because it was, in fact, a lot. The next day, Eric picked up my mom form the airport and brought her to meet Miles. We all headed home and Eric went to NYC to get that job. I was so glad my mom was there because with a four year old at home and bringing in a new baby, you need an extra set of hands and someone who loves you around.
   Eric got stuck in a snowstorm and couldn't return home right away so 5 days later he was able to get  back to us. Sadly, School of Rock (the original cast) went to the other guy.  It wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last time something like that happens. Hey, that's showbiz!  I'm not gonna lie though, this one hurt. (Although, we all know now that he got the 1st replacement job and did eventually play the lead in School of Rock on Broadway, it was tough to see that first one slip away).
   Mastitis (infected breast) took over my chest and my temp sky rocketed to 104.5 soon after Eric got home and my mom left. We were really in the weeds. Thank God for Sophie, because she had been bringing me water from the bathroom sink during the time between when my mom left and Eric arrived. It was scary. Eric thought clearly enough to call my doctor and she immediately called in antibiotics for me.
   What was more clear to Eric than to me was that I was NOT myself. Tears streamed down my face as I walked through the day. I couldn't get out of the funk. If you've ever seen Stranger Things and know "the upside down", that is what life was like. Everything was in it's place, all the people were there and I was going about my day, but it was as if someone turned out the lights. It was dark and had an indescribable sadness that laid heavily on it.  Something was wrong, but it was so hard for me to see it. I had Postpartum Depression and it was robbing me of life.
    Thank God, I knew enough to know this wasn't how it was supposed to be. As if I had an out-of-body experience, I watched Eric take the phone and go to the other room, talking in hushed tones to my doctor. When he came back to hand over the phone so I could talk with her, I thanked my lucky stars that we didn't live in the 50's where I might have been locked up for feeling this way. I was able to be honest with my doctor and myself about how I constantly cried and I hurt in a way that was soul crushing. I felt that no one cared about me and that because I couldn't manage my sadness that maybe it would be easier for everyone if I wasn't there. The thing is...I couldn't find the reason for the sadness. Rationalizing your emptiness is something that prevents people from getting the help they need for depression, but once I realized that this was beyond the scope of rational, I knew I needed to try to get help.
    She prescribed the highest dose of Lexipro and I battled the depression until the anti-depressant got into my system, which took abut 4 wks. I stuck with it because I desperately wanted to enjoy my baby, my child, and our life again.
    Soon, I was able to see glimpses of the old self I knew and my response to life was what I expected. In other words, it didn't take me by surprise.
    Over the next year, I continued to take the anti-depressant and I know that many people stay on them for life once they start them. For me, I knew that the hormones were leveling and I was starting to regulate at about the one year mark. I slowly tapered off of the medicine and began to cope with my normal feelings with my old standbys of tears, wine, and prayer.
    And here is what surfaced for me as true as I came around the bend and saw light at the end of the tunnel...
1.) It's okay to be sad or feel overwhelmed. Sometimes those are the cards and you have to deal with them and all the feelings that go along with it.
2.) Know when to get help. If you can't manage the feelings that are happening and don't recognize yourself, it's time to call your doctor.
3.) It gets better. I know this was a popular campaign in the last year, but it's because it's true.  The dark times sharpen and shine us. Darkness always gives way to light.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

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Parenting Your Broadway Baby

     
     

     "Come on, man," screams a parent at an umpire over your shoulder at the little league game and before long you are swept into the culture and the screaming is coming from your own mouth.  Listen, we all know the parent who screams from the bleachers at the field, losing himself in the moment hoping for the best for their kid, yet revealing their inner crazy.  The same thing happens to kid actor parents. One day they are a tearful mom clapping for their little Munchkin in the school play and the next thing they know they have created a tearful child because they are racing all over a city spending every play date time in a waiting room with 100 other miserable children and their hopeful parents.  The screams are maybe more internalized with stage parents, but they are screams nonetheless.
     When Sophie was still swimming in my belly, people were asking me if we were going to put her in “the business.” I joking would say that I am going to encourage her to be a neurosurgeon instead.  Because however difficult that is, it must be easier than the life of an actor.  At a certain point though, you begin to realize that your guidance is a mere suggestion and nature is eminent.  We have to embrace the fact that she was basically born backstage and raised in dressing rooms, making backstage anywhere feel like home to our little roadie.  
     EVERY parent, EVERYwhere between NYC to LA has had the revelatory moment as they watch their bundle of joy belt out “Let It Go” on the stage of their living room knows they are sitting on a star.  Some parents are satisfied to post it on YouTube or text to grandparents, while others start researching local agents and acting classes.  Our journey was somewhere in between those stories.
     Because of Eric’s career as an actor, we happened to know a casting director, who years earlier told us to call him when Sophie was ready. During Eric’s taping of the TV show, “Kirstie” for TVLand, Sophie begged that she wanted to do what daddy did...acting.  We called up our friend and Sophie took a few meetings with agents. They all wanted her and we asked her who she liked best. She chose the people who gave her candy...go figure. Her first audition was for “Grace and Frankie,” the Netflix show and she booked it! The first season she played Brooklyn Decker’s daughter, granddaughter to Jane Fonda and Lily Thomlin. As she went in for the audition, Eric told her to just be herself in his most valiant attempt at good stage parenting. Her response was indicative of all things Sophie as she matter of factly said,"No Daddy, I'm going to be the character." She loved the routine of the set and being part of the filming.  She would come home and transform her pink karaoke mic stand into a boom mic and held it over us, assigning us lines and staging, and directing us with “action” and “cut”.  What a pro! 
     Not too long after that job, we moved to NYC for Eric to do School of Rock and Soph took a break from being a pro to just be a kid. I signed her up for school plays like "Willy Wonka" in CA, where she played an Oompa Loompa, and she took a kids class where they learned basic acting stuff and performed a short musical at the end of the session.  
     While many parents might view the professional work as better than the school play, I’ve got to say both are equally valuable.  It’s important for kids to feel like they are part of the community at their school and to contribute to the greater good, understanding that the experience is a building block of an artist.  It might not be the role of a lifetime and there will be no school play that contributes to their college fund, but the community experience builds their life experience, so give them that too!  
     Just remember that unless Oscar and Tony are the names of your kids, they are not the most important names around.  

Everyday Storytelling in Families to Empower the Child.

Everyday Storytelling in Families to Empower the Child.

       Every parent tells the story of their child's birth through their perspective and that story is our evidence of the first impression we make on the world. My  mom's story for me was that she went to the hospital for a stress test and before she left to go home, she was in labor.  It was as if I said, "Welp, as long as your here...let's do this."  Thus me and , as my mother puts it, my cooperative nature were born.  I love this story and everyone's story of their children coming into the world.  It's  no accident that we start out the way we do.  Whether we remember it directly or not, surely the story has been told.  And whether it is the story in all it's gloriously simple reality or a broadened heightened version which serves as food for entertainment...the STORY itself surely shapes us.  Perspective has long been a potter of personality.  Being told we are something or did something has a lasting affect.  As adults, we discover that while it shapes us, it doesn't need to define us.  Interesting and complex, just when we have defined ourselves, along comes a new story, a new happening, a new experience that forces us to redefine ourselves.  

     With my own child, it becomes evident to me that she takes on stories we tell her and embodies traits defined by her past self in these stories.  We tell stories of her "great joke-telling abilities" to people and guess what?  This begets more jokes and increasing confidence as she tells them and tries new ones.  "A dinosaur rides in a car" is a Sophie original of her humorous imagery jokes followed by a slew of "Knock, knock" jokes.  Realizing the power we have in storytelling and the opportunity to encourage our children through positive reinforcement makes me absolutely tingle with gratefulness.  Knowing that power exists, we must use it wisely.  Telling certain stories around our children that we find particularly entertaining might not ALWAYS be the healthiest thing for their ego or growth as an interactive and social being.   It's important to weigh whether your humorous translation of "meltdown on isle 5" to an empathetic fellow mom is worth the laugh or if you child's radar on what's being said is going to make them feel embarrassment or a possible relegation to that behavior in the future because...after all,"This is just who she is or the way she acts."

     One of my daughter's favorite shows is "Super Why" on PBS.  The formula of each show has a character that "has the power to change the story."  She pretends to have this power as she makes up her own stories on the stage of our living room floor.  What a fantastic message to relay to our kids!

     Storytelling keeps traditions alive, families close, encourages positive experiences, provides tools for guidance, and broadens our experience by getting to know others by listening to stories.  So here's to encouraging friends and family to share their stories.  Give your child a culture through the storytelling experience...a culture and background to be proud of and to fill out in a positive way.   

      My family, like many of yours, is known for telling the same stories over and again.  This is a great tool to build character and relationships.   I love hearing stories about my grandfather picking cotton or running Morse code on a Navy ship, my dad training whales or serving as a small-town city councilman, my mom standing up for people and acting out compassion on a daily basis.  These stories weren't always told directly to me ,but were always floating around me.  They most definitely shaped how I viewed these family members.  Our little ones are all ears and very impressionable, so while storytelling might seem like it ends when you close the bedtime fairytale about "Jack and the Beanstalk", think again.  Stories are interwoven into our everyday life and become the fabric which defines us and holds us together.   

 

Parent Project: Magnetic Chalkboard

     At Sophie's dance studio, there is a chalkboard wall that calls to the children as they exit their class or wait for a sibling.  As I sat one day, watching the children play, I observed a young girl, who was barely 3 years old, take her chalk to the board and draw the letter A.  "You can do that at home," I heard her mother call from the exit,"Let's go."  She dropped the chalk and raced to her mom, leaving behind a bit of inspiration for me.  Hmm, I thought.  Where could I do a chalkboard wall?  The door seemed a perfect place for us, but you could really do this anywhere.   Just heed the warning from my friend who said, "Make sure your kids know that they are only allowed to draw on the chalkboard surface, otherwise you might end up with this..."

Hopefully you will end up with something more like this...

The items you will need to accomplish your goal are:

Sand paper.

Paint tray.

Small roller and two sponges to go on roller.

Painting tarp.

Two paint brushes for getting to the edge of the door precisely.

Magnetic Primer.

Chalkboard Paint (comes in many colors).

Chalk.

Eraser.

Directions.

Place tarp over floor.

Sand the surface.

Paint 3 thin layers of primer.  Each layer dries in 30 minutes.

Paint 2 layers of chalkboard paint.  Leave 4 hours between layers.

Once finished, leave to dry and set for 3 full days before using.

Do not forget to Treat Your New Chalkboard before using.

How to Treat Your New Chalkboard...kindly.  Ba, dum, ching!  

After the paint has set for 3 days, use the side of a piece of chalk and cover the entire board with a thin layer of chalk.  Then, wipe it down with a wet soft cloth. Create, draw, and play!