Why can't we all just get along?
Listen, I'll be the first one to say that I have cast silent and, embarrassingly enough, some not-so-silent judgments on other mothers. I'm so ashamed because I know that, as a mother, judgment is lavished upon us. You learn from the moment you find out you're getting a child that everyone ...and their mother, has an opinion of how to raise that child. As a NYC cabbie pulled up to my building near the Lincoln Tunnel to drop me off, at 8 months pregnant, he turned and offered his unsolicited advise through the plastic sliding window that separated him from me, as if we were at confession. "You cannot raise that baby here. Too many fumes. Too much traffic. You have to move," he cautioned. I learned to substitute my thoughts of "Thanks, but I'm not taking any judgments right now," for the lighter and easier to swallow..."Thanks for your thoughts." Somehow, I can stomach the judgments of strangers, like my NYC cabbie, a little easier than I can the ones that come from our fellow parents.
As our daughter is pushing 3 years old, we find that helping her foray into the social atmosphere of life and making friends is tougher than we thought. For the time being, we can choose her friends, being that she really has no control over the matter. We've been cautioned to embrace this time, as there will come a time when she breaks out from the chosen friendships we have guided her into and forges her own friendships. The challenges that have arisen in this test are more complex than I imagined. A couple you know previous to children has a child too...Do you need to make overtures there, even if you aren't raising your kids with the same rules? Do you focus on kids in her school setting and try to reach out there, even if the parents seem distant to the friendships you've known? How do you deal with differences in raising children within the family (cousins, step-siblings, etc.)? How different is too different? By that, I mean, where is the line that another family isn't a great partnership for your family? Why? It's important to tackle these questions in privacy, with our partner. Once we bring it to a more public forum, it becomes gossipy gook that is no more helpful than the gum on my shoe.
Okay, Simon is too loud, James hits, Gail doesn't obey, Gabe isn't verbal, John abuses toys, and my daughter is perfect. I'm pretty sure this is the way everyone sees the world weighed against there own child. The truth is. No one is perfect. Let's stop holding everyone up to some moral high ground that dwarfs them and learn from our mistakes and theirs. There is no more useful tool than reflection. If all the experiences with kids and families outside our own are moving us one step closer to insanity....let's turn the looking glass on ourselves. I, for one, could use a great amount of improvement. Even when I haven't been the one doing the dishing, I've lent a "sympathetic", albeit "intrigued", ear to the parent doing the dishing. Now, I'm not saying to subject our kids to an unsafe environment or allow their highly impressionable minds to be molded by people we don't see eye to eye with, but let's give each other a break. By and large, we are all doing the best we can. Let's encourage each other and set a great example for our kids by not fostering the judgments. Those little eyes and ears that are busy tucking in baby dolls on the other side of the room are picking up everything I am saying, even when I'm not directing it toward her. So, we are now on a judgment diet. Leave your gossip cookies at home and join us for some organic fun!
